Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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