Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
