Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
