when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
