omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
