Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
