the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
