3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
