I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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