I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i love accidental penises.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
