i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
