I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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