My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
