highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
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