By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wish you could order shots online.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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