my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
