Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
