Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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