I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We're too hungover to prance.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
