Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
