sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
