I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
