A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
