she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
