i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
