MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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