I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
