i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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