theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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