how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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