Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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