It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's like God shit irony all over that family
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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