sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
