Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
