Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
