the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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