it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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