my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
