I am in a vortex of obligation.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I supernannyed him into submission
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
