Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We had sex on a dog bed..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
