they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
