her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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