you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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