Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
