I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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