That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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