How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
