He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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