currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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