brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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