Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
