Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
