i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
